By Loren Adams, 13 June 2010
You might be a Republican IF…
You think toilet paper should come in Q'uran and NYT print.
You find nothing contradictory about your sign that reads "Hands Off My Medicare" next to a "Government Run Healthcare Makes Me Sick" sticker on the bumper of your gas guzzling Humvee,
You think that affirmative action is only acceptable for Michael Steele and Marco Rubio.
You don’t like being called “The Party of NO” but instead like being referred to as “The Party of HELL NO!” only because Sarah Palin suggested it.
You think "Semper Fi" should be changed to "Git R Done"
You think your Tea Party posters are not misspelled that read: “I am Joe the Plummer,” or “Make English Americas Offical Langage.” Or “Say No to Socilism.”
You think Stem Cell research is what killed Terri Schiavo
As part of your boycott of all names French, you change the name of your favorite sex toy to "freedom tickler."
You think the 2000 election was fair & square when Bush stole the White House but the 2008 election was stolen by ACORN for Obama.
You've ever announced your gratitude to our troops for fighting for your freedom to drill baby drill and spill baby spill.
You feel your duty in the war on terror is to hunt down Mexicans crossing the border. (Then you hire undocumented workers to do your lawn and housework.)
You've ever complained about abuse of welfare while depositing earnings in an off-shore tax-sheltered account or you cash your disability check before heading to the gym.
You think WMD are still in Iraq but hidden by liberals to make Bush look bad.
You think Mark Felts should have been executed for treason before dying of natural causes, and Gordon Liddy should get the medal of freedom.
You've ever blamed anything on "Activist Judges" while supporting the Supreme Court decision to reject corporate spending limits on political campaigns.
You think Glenn Beck is a prophet.
You think Sarah Palin is a goddess.
You think Rush Limbaugh is the greatest broadcast journalist ever.
You watch only one news channel, FOX, because it’s the only one fair and balanced.
You firmly believe Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Or Indonesia. Or anyplace outside the USA.
You think Barack Obama is the Antichrist.
You think Barack Obama is Muslim.
You think Barack Obama is Socialist.
In honor of Terri Schiavo, you kept the deer you shot alive for twelve days.
You think there should be a "constitutional exemption" at home to shut your wife up.
You feel the only acceptable time turning left is at a NASCAR race.
You think Capitol Hill should be re-named "Six Flags over Jesus."
You think gay marriages would somehow taint the sanctity of your six failed marriages.
You make your wife wear a "no spin" t-shirt during sex.
You think that listening to three different conservative talk shows and FOX gives you all the variety you need.
You name your testicles "shock" and "awe."
You wear a strapped-on assault rifle to a President Obama event but would never consider doing the same to a Bush or Palin or Limbaugh or Beck or Hannity rally.
You think that Healthcare Reform includes government death panels designed to kill your grandma.
You've ever considered your finest point in an argument to be, "Oh yeah, well, you hate America!"
You feel the "culture of life" should be the standard – that every life is worth the same (except Muslims, Mexicans, gays, Africans, liberals, activist judges, and anyone for gun control).
You think Civil Rights acts were unnecessary and should be repealed, or at least sections of them – the parts dealing with private businesses refusing to serve “coloreds” and the Fair Housing Act.
You think “American exceptionalism” means God singled the US out as the most favored, thus all others are inferior and not divinely blessed.
You've ever yelled "Hell yeah, man, I agree!" while Sean Hannity was speaking.
You’ve ever experienced an erection watching Sarah Palin on TV.
You stand and salute when George Bush or Dick Cheney is on the air, even though you've never served in the military, but you flip the bird at the TV screen every time Barack Obama appears.
You’ve ever twittered Sarah Palin or Michele Bauchmann love notes.
You registered to vote at a Tractor Pull.
You boycotted your local convenience store because the clerk let it slip he voted for Obama (even though you had bought all of your NASCAR apparel there.)
In honor of Bush, you donate to his new “LIBARY” in Texas: two cartons of crayons.
You think the U.S. Treasury should replace Ulysses S. Grant’s picture on the $50 bill with Ronald Reagan’s and exchange George Washington’s on the dollar for George W. Bush’s.
You've ever answered a gun-control issue with "when they pry them out of my cold, dead hands."
You think that fetuses have a right to life but newborn babies don’t have a right to healthcare even if their parents pay for it.
You consider BP, Halliburton and Transocean Ltd. eco-friendly companies.
Your solution to the BP spill in the Gulf is to nuke ‘em.
You don’t believe in global warming but believe it’s a leftist plot to turn America socialist.
You think scientists that endorse global warming should be arrested and tried for treason.
Your strongest defense for the reason Bin Laden wasn’t caught during the Bush years is "Because they all look alike."
You think the only solution for the Middle East peace is to bomb them all to hell. (Then let God sort them out.)
You think all Democratic presidents should be impeached.
You think the only three campaign issues that matter are “God, gays and guns.”
You think the imposition of government regulations caused economic meltdown and, oh yes, Barney Frank.
You think the Bush years were glorious, but Clinton and Obama ruined America.
You think that budget deficits began only after January 20, 2009.
You approve Arizona’s “papers please” bill but demand the government uphold constitutional freedoms and stay out of your personal life.
You think GOP stands for “God’s Only Party.”